Door Slammed

Have you ever heard the phrase, "When God closes a door, He opens a window*"? Well my version goes something like this: "When God allows your back door to rot and you think you can replace the door frame by yourself, save yourself the trouble and just hire Lowe's to do it."

The biggest project of my staycation was, by far, replacing the frame on our back door. It had rotted due to moisture and I found a frame kit that made it sound so easy (actually the salesman made it sound easy, which was my first clue).

So Tuesday morning I started to tear out the old frame. This was amazingly easy, which is probably why I was gaining confidence. I was pretty good at ripping things apart. I was careful to note how the frame was assembled, took measurements and spent about 5 hours dissecting this thing. Now there was a big hole in my house and I had precious little daylight left.

Opening the kit, I realized there may be an issue, as these components appeared to be a little larger than my original frame. But after measuring and accounting for weather stripping and other frame-related materials, I believed it would work. Carefully, I put the three pieces of wood together, inserted (i.e. crammed) them into the gaping hole and claimed success (that was my second clue).

After a trial and error session on reinstalling the hinges, we finally got the door to hang. Imagine me giving April directions while holding an extremely heavy door and praying a) it would fit and b) I didn't drop it and crush us both, resulting in a very embarrassing obituary.

With the door on the hinges, we closed it and stepped back. It was radiant, and by radiant I mean it was letting light through a 1" gap at the top. Somehow either our door got smaller or the frame was too tall (I like to think it was the former, not the latter). Now, along with all my other sore muscles, my heart was broken.

After a rough night's sleep and some rags stuffed in the 1 inch gap, I assessed the situation and thought I could fix it (that was my third clue). One frustrating morning later, I surrendered and went to Lowe's, bought a door and paid for an install crew to come out and clean up my mess. They'll be here tomorrow to survey the situation, laugh in my face and hopefully not utter the phrase, "You should have called us first."

But at least I tried, and if you ever need a giant hole put in your house in a very careful and precise manner, you know who to call.

*Am I the only one who hates this phrase?! It doesn't make any sense. Why would God close a door and open a window? So I can see all the fun I'm missing outside? How does viewing an opportunity make up for not actually getting to experiencing it myself? They might as well say "When God closes a door, He turns the TV on. I hope you enjoy the channel He picks."